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August 11, 2010
By Sharon Brown
It was more than 20 years ago that I rescued a tiny, dirty ball of fur from the garbage heap near my apartment building in Boston. At first I was going to send him on to the local shelter, but after cleaning him up and seeing his little gold colored eyes twinkling up at me, I knew that he had already found a home. Dan was my new best friend.
Over the years, Dan became famous for his disappearing act. He managed to wedge himself into the most unfortunate places. The marble walls and brass grating in my apartment building had to be cut through by the local fire department in order to rescue him from the heating vents. We never figured out how he got there. However, it was no mystery that when my lease ended, Dan and I were not extended another term.
Dan managed to open the refrigerator once and I found him in the chiller with the apples. There was the dismantling of the oven, the recliner, guitar amp and convertible sofa that made loving him difficult at times. If he could possibly find his way into anything, he would. It was getting out that was not one of his talents. But, for better or worse, Dan and I stuck together through several moves, relationships, a wedding and the birth of my child.
My husband and son were more or less tolerated by Dan up until a couple of years ago. With age, Dan learned to enjoy the warmth of all who offered a soft place to rest and I was no longer the only love of his life.
Over the years, I have been regarded as a bit of an expert on pets and the pet industry. So you would think that when my son came running to me to tell me that the cat was hurt, that I would have handled the situation with ease. I would love to report that I was an amazing guide to my son through the process of losing a pet, but that would be a lie.
Dan suffered from a severe seizure, a common end for very old cats. He was blinded and obviously very uncomfortable after the episode. My husband and I quickly determined that it would be kinder to give Dan a dignified and painless path to his next life.
Nicholas said his goodbyes and we took Dan to the vet’s to say our goodbyes there.
So far, so good, right? Then we came home. We were all exhausted and saddened by Dan’s passing. I have lost pets before, so this was not a new experience for me. However, having a seven-year old boy to comfort through this was all new and very distressing. I do not know why, but I had never considered what I would do when Dan died. The cat was ancient. I knew this day would come sooner than later. However, I had not considered how Nicholas would be affected by it. I was not sure of what to say. So, I just left him crying on my bed while I cleaned the house.
Then, when Nick asked where Dan was now… all I could say was that he was in a better place. Hmm… I could see that was not a good answer by my son’s reaction. So I reached into my bag of spiritualism and explored the possibility that Dan was in Heaven or maybe being reborn as a dog in a new life. He could be an angel or a spirit in the wind. In other words, I was long-winded and confusing.
As my parenting grade continued to dip, I suddenly realized that my boy is seven. He just needed to be cuddled and told that being sad was natural and that he was going to be sad for a while. When Nick was crying the next morning as the reality set in that his pet was gone, I held him again and told him that it would not always hurt so much. Someday, he would be able to think about Dan and smile about the good times that they had shared. All that my son needed was so simple; hugs, love, and the permission to be sad.
So, my advice after this experience is to keep it simple. Each child is unique and so is his loss in regards to the bond with his pet. Your child will open up and let you know what he or she needs. Until then, you just need to put your busy life to the side for awhile and help each other grieve. Hugs, kisses, tissues, and acceptance of the feelings of loss are all that you need to offer. The only way to get past the pain is through it. The urge to distract or bribe the sadness away with candy and toys will be strong. Resist using these Band-Aids and accept that you will have to listen to your child cry. A child crying is a horrible sound that will always turn my stomach, but sometimes we all need a good cry.
We placed a tile in our garden where Dan loved to sun himself. It was my son’s idea and I was glad to have such a great way for us to share some closure on the whole experience.
I learned so much from having that old cat in my life. But the biggest lesson I learned was the final lesson he had to teach. “Keep it simple.” Thank you, Dan. I will try.
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